March is Women’s History Month, a whole 31 days dedicated to women all over that we can celebrate and learn about. Anchored towards the start of March is International Women’s Day.
I penned ideas and writing prompts for this topic months ago. At the time I was excited. Three women remained in the running for the Democratic nominee, one being my top candidate and muse for a children’s book I’ve been working on. I had not yet experienced the very sudden fatigue and burnout I’ve been dealing with lately, or the daily tension headaches that have lasted for three weeks now. My low point was coming and I hadn’t realized it yet.
Then it all started hitting me at once. I spoke to my husband, my friends, my mom, my boss and my therapist and explained to nearly all of them why I was suddenly withdrawn and overwhelmed. I wasn’t sleeping, I didn’t have any nights free because my kids are (thankfully) involved in sports and scouts. I felt like my work/life balance was off and I was falling behind at work to no one’s fault but my own. My mental health was reaching a downward spiral. Then, on my husband’s birthday, I got an early morning text that my father-in-law passed away. Even though I was told to stay home and that our plans will shift, I felt like a horrible wife for not being there until days later.
I don’t know how I came off to others, but every part of me was hurting and I had no idea how to regain control. I still don’t feel like I have.
But in that pain and grief I started reaching out for the comfort of my books. Re-reading the authors that inspire me and reading new books about women that inspire me. Then, on Valentine’s Day, I opened two books that had been sitting in my Amazon cart for months. My husband had ordered them when he noticed I was feeling defeated and at a low point.
These books all seem to have common themes, whether it is about women expressing themselves through writing, talking about their pain and suffering, or women that have shattered the glass ceiling in some way. Some of these women I had never heard of before and was thrilled to learn their stories and about how they persisted. Others I had heard many times, like Juliette Gordon Low (founder of the Girl Scouts), Margaret Sanger (founder of Planned Parenthood and the first birth control pill), Rosie Monroe (Rosie the Riveter), The Guerilla Girls and Tarana Burke (the women’s rights activist who came up with the #MeToo movement to help women of color that had been abused) to name a few.
To say these books have been inspiring to me would be an understatement. Most of these women, if not all, went through so many hurdles in their lives before reaching the moment(s) that allowed them to launch. And honestly, it was still not smooth sailing after.
So as I sat in my bed last night in tears, reading one of these books (and avoiding the news because I didn’t want to see where Elizabeth Warren was on Super Tuesday), I reminded myself that I needed to be kinder to myself. All of the pitfalls in my life, failures, rejections and just moments that I felt the ground slipping from under me have lead me to a path of success in some ways. It can be tough to define success but here is my attempt: I’m an author that took a painful moment in my life and turned it into a way to raise awareness about domestic violence and was privileged enough to give the proceeds back to my community. I’m the mother to two smart, caring, sweet children and I will do everything I can to give them amazing opportunities in life, even if that means sitting through two hour practices when I really just want to be home in bed. I found my soulmate after climbing back up from what felt like rock bottom and we make 182 miles between us work everyday. I found a career path that I enjoy. I put my heart and soul into writing and somehow gained fans from my silly debate recaps. I am strong and I am a survivor of many things that have tried to break me down my entire life.
Maybe you won’t read about me one day in a book about strong women, and that’s fine. But to hell with you if you don’t see me as one.
I might be going through some things right now, but with that pain something great always seems to follow. I’ll reign it back in and shatter a glass ceiling if it’s the last thing I do.
As mentioned earlier, here are some of the books I’ve been reading for the first, second or maybe even third time recently. (And seventh time for The Bell Jar.)
