Happy Fat Tuesday! We’re a week out from SUPER TUESDAY so be sure to get your pączki order in this weekend. Wait, getting my favorite exciting Tuesdays mixed up and stress eating pączki now. Sorry. Super Tuesday for those that might not know is when 14 states and a territory vote and 1/4 of the DNC delegates are up for grabs.
Just days ago Bernie had an overwhelming win in Nevada and Elizabeth Warren claimed the second spot. After that, I wondered how I could get involved a little more since donations only do so much. I started volunteering to text for Elizabeth Warren and it’s been a lot of fun! I realized that my grandparents are probably excited that I decided to dive into political volunteer work, as they taught me starting at a young age the ins and outs of grass-root volunteering. So while some might roll their eyes when I go on about who I support, why I love the debates and all that jazz, know that I’m just emulating what my grandparents taught me.
In this round, candidates were required to win at least one pledged delegate to the DNC from one of the first three primary states, poll at 10 percent or better in four national polls or single-state South Carolina polls, or poll at 12 percent or better in two South Carolina polls. No word on if they had to complete a physical or weigh in for the fight. I hope Michael Bloomberg brought his mouth guard!
Joe Biden: Tonight is Joe’s big night to prove he really does have the African American vote on lock. He’s very confident that he will win South Carolina so props to him. He came prepared and clearly ate his Wheaties. I love it. But he’s also big mad and that’s not a great look.
Line of the night: “No, I’m not out of time! He spoke overtime and I’m going to talk!”
Closing Statement Rating: B, only because he had like nine mottos when asked for one.
Michael “I have black supporters!” Bloomberg: So a whopping 61% of voters in South Carolina are African American so this should be fun for Mr. Stop-and-Frisk. (And Mayor Pete, too.) SHOTS FIRED AT BERNIE! I don’t think Russia is pulling for Bernie but sick burn. I’m really glad we’re talking about education, especially supporting public educators, but FYI -Bloomberg closed 157 schools in black and brown communities because I guess he wanted 173 privately-run charter schools instead. Also, I hope no one drinks every time he brings up 9/11. You’ll get alcohol poisoning.
Line of the night: When he said he beat everyone last week. Who wrote that joke? There was also a fun one about a naked cowboy in every state.
Closing Statement Rating: D. Your jokes are lame and you haven’t trained for the presidency.
Pete Buttigieg: To quote the great Krissychula “You a child, stay in the child’s place.” Pete claims racial life-expectancy gaps didn’t exist when he was born. Uh, what. Someone please fact check that. Pete is all long-winded stories and no policy or solutions.
Line of the night: I don’t have one. I couldn’t hear him because all he did was talk over Bernie the entire time.
Closing Statement Rating: C-. You mention discipline yet you talked over everyone tonight.
Amy Klobuchar: Hey CBS, why did it take 17 minutes before Amy got a chance to speak? And almost immediately with an MLK quote. I think I should make a bingo card for the next debate. Amy did however bring up the boyfriend loophole and discussing how gun violence and intimate partner violence go hand in hand. Thank you, from a domestic violence survivor.
Line of the night: “If we spend the next four months tearing the party apart, we will watch Donald Trump spend the next four years tearing the country apart.”
Closing Statement Rating: A. You’re right, Amy. You aren’t boring at all. I appreciate your weird one-liners.
Bernie “Mexico will pay” Sanders: This debate has not been good for Bernie. There are people in the audience actually cheering for Bloomberg and booing some of Bernie’s responses. He’s being talked over left and right. What a mess. Did Bloomberg pay this audience off?
Line of the night: “We need to expand background checks, close the gun loophole, and do what the American people want, not what the N.R.A wants.”
Closing Statement Rating: B.
Tom Steyer: Tom said Donald Trump stinks and that was the purest insult I’ve heard. He has a special place in my heart.
Line of the night: “I released my tax returns. It was easy.”
Closing Statement Rating: C.
Elizabeth Warren: I live for Liz reminding Bloomberg that he spent a ton of money trying to bring her down and failed. Love this journey for her. And her clearly seething at “probably made bad jokes but I don’t remember them.” Burn it down, girl.
Line of the night: “We can no longer pretend everything is race-neutral. We must address race consciously.”
Closing Statement Rating: B.
Winner of the debate: Gayle King’s purple glasses. Twitter seems to think it was my girl, Liz, but I think it was anyone that decided to do anything but watch the debate.
Now raise your hand if you’re so tired of the screaming match debates. This debate was so bad and I don’t know why I punish myself with this. (It’s for the fans.)
