If you didn’t know already, I wrote a book and published it in October. This book took about a month to complete but was an idea that had been floating in my head for 12 years. I had no idea if/when it would ever happen because the subject matter was incredibly difficult for me to even talk about and if I decided to finally write about it, I wanted to be sensitive to the others involved.
I started thinking about it more earlier this year after doing some spring cleaning and stumbled upon my witness statement in a folder with other important documents. It had been recovered from the basement in my old house I shared with my ex-husband. He found it and nearly tossed it because to him, it was a morbid thing to keep. But I insisted on getting the statement from him because it was very much a part of me. It sat on my desk for a few months and I told myself I should re-read it, but of course I didn’t. It took me until late September when I started watching season two of Mindhunter to feel inspired to not only read the witness statement, but maybe write a little bit about it, too.
After watching a TV show finally nail down what you walk into after the crime lab searches your house, I decided to grab the statement and read it front to back, twice. My mind was racing and I knew that if I didn’t immediately write about my experiences, the book would never happen. It was all so fresh. The things that were said, the faces, the feelings I had — all right there waiting for me to release them.
It was around lunchtime when I started writing and what felt like only an hour later, my alarm started buzzing for me to pick up my kids at 5 PM. In front of me was about 11 pages of what happened starting in March 2007 and leading up to what I’m still feeling to this day. I sent the draft to Billy with the idea of actually publishing a short story about my experience living with a murderer. And then a few weeks later, I did.
The last two months have been a wild ride. I didn’t expect anything from it and almost backed out several times (but thankfully Billy wouldn’t have let me do that). I contacted the mother of the victim to let her know I wrote about my experience with names changed for legal reasons. Not only did I get her blessing, but also love and support from her family and friends. After speaking to her, I went on to publish the book. I tweeted a thread about domestic violence awareness month and that proceeds from the book would go back to domestic violence awareness through different charities and organizations. Someone caught wind and alerted a reporter from a local news station that invited me to come in for an interview to promote the book. After the interview someone else asked me to be a guest on his podcast. I’ve had comments, texts, emails, tweets and in-person remarks about how strong and brave I am to be able to tell my story.
But am I brave or strong? I still don’t feel like it. I’ve spent the last two months crying over mean comments and panicking at my “overnight fame” because I never expected this to blow up. I worried that the people I never wanted to speak to again would reach out. This book opened up a lot of wounds and made me remember things I tried so hard to bury so deep inside me. Thoughts I never wanted to think about again, let alone write about and certainly didn’t want people to read. It was really hard. I lost a lot of sleep because my anxiety has been so bad. I’ve had nightmares, lost weight and had to completely shut down for a weekend. I wrote this to raise awareness about the types of victims and to remind people of the aftermath from domestic violence, and I had to remind myself that even though I was going through hell again, it was for a good cause. I’m able to donate a lot of money to different organizations because of the support from everyone. Maybe the side effects have been terrible but at least something good can come from it. Right?
Writing the book was cathartic, but also terrifying. I often write about heavy subjects anyway so for some reason I thought it would be like just another post. As I sat there remembering every single little detail I realized this would not be easy to rehash because I was not over the trauma it caused. But I reminded myself of the intentions and the good I would be doing for my community and that was enough to keep me going.
I’m proud of myself for writing the book. I feel like I can truly say I’m an advocate for domestic violence awareness and have continued to do what I can to help over the last 12 years. Just sitting on the witness stand and testifying against an abuser turned murderer was brave and helped a family begin their long (and never-ending) journey to heal. And for that, I’m glad I testified. I’m glad I’ve walked a 5k annually for over 10 years now. I’m glad I donated to organizations against domestic violence, even more when domestic abusers on my old baseball team did anything like score. I’m glad I stopped rooting for that team. I hold myself and others accountable when it comes to listening to and advocating for victims. I’m glad I escaped abuse. I’m glad I wrote the book.
If you or someone you know is experiencing any kind of domestic violence, physical or not, please seek help. You are not alone.
https://www.thehotline.org/ or 1-800-799-7233.