Welcome to SPOOKY debate season! Somehow we’ve made it to October and there are still way too many candidates still in the race and most of them have sadly qualified for this debate. Twelve to be exact. Am I hoping for about eight to drop out after tonight? YES. So far, only five candidates have qualified for the Nov. 20 debate in Georgia. Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Pete Buttigieg and two others that should drop out. But I’ve been re-watching Parks and Recreation for maybe the eight time and I just got to (SPOILER ALERT) Leslie winning the City Counsel seat so I’m super pumped for this stupid debate. Must be campaign fever or that flu shot is effecting my brain. Sorry, Marianne.
Healthcare (but reproductive rights will be skipped — calling it now) is once again the primary talking point but I expect impeachment and Hunter Biden to be the only thing discussed in this fight.
Will Tulsi Gabbard shine for the GOP? Will we continue to hash out the same crap we’ve discussed in the last three debates? What old-timey saying will Joe Biden use? (I don’t suggest drinking at any mention of Corn Pop, President Barack Obama or Ukraine — or maybe I do? Live your life.) Will Beto swear? Why is Andrew Yang giving everyone $1000 this time? Find out now in the latest installment that no one asked for!
Joe Biden: I don’t think anyone let Joe see the interview of his son admitting he made a mistake as he’s on stage declaring his innocence. He’s also just rehashing the same things over and over again. Then again, so are these debates. But hey, Uncle Joe is the only one that has taken on the NRA and won and the only one on stage that has been able to get anything done. Per him.
Line of the night: “Reproductive rights are a constitutional right.” (I picked this because I want to believe he truly feels this way.)
Cory Booker: Cory is a very skilled communicator but he really sucks at debates. Maybe he just never gets a chance to talk but everything he says seems so cliché even if he’s being sincere. Oh, and he mentioned that he’s a vegan so take a shot of vodka because it’s vegan? OPE. One more shot for Cory reminding the audience that he is in fact a vegan.
Line of the night: “Women should not be the only one taking up this fight. Women are people.”
Pete Buttigieg: I love that Mayor Pete is talking about driving a Chevy and lowkey trying to get them to give him some campaign money. Classy move, bro. I’m living for Mayor Pete dragging Tulsi and calling her dead wrong. She doesn’t seem to get it at all and this veteran battle is amazing. He’s having a really good night and making this Indiana native proud.
Sidebar: I appreciate Pete’s optimism and candor on the stage. Honestly. He is a breath of fresh air in a toxic world. I truly wish that I could see things his way, the sunshine after the first morning post-Trump. But I feel like we’re in too deep and these crazies will just continue getting their way until the Earth is ruined. Sorry for that deep thought since this is supposed to mostly pick fun at the candidates. Back to your regularly scheduled blog post.
Line of the night: “I don’t need lessons from you on courage. Personal or political.”
Julián Castro: I’d really appreciate it if CNN would maybe let him actually talk. That would be cool. But when he does, and when he names Atatiana Jefferson, he’s powerful. Castro is taking on police brutality by himself.
Line of the night: “The President is caging kids at the border and letting ISIS run free.”
Tulsi Gabbard: Serious question — does Tulsi only own this white pantsuit? Is this a shoutout to the suffragette movement? I’m hoping it turns into her white flag and she exits the stage and never returns. Why she defends a government that is cool with engaging chemical warfare on their own people is beyond me. Her answers are exhausting.
Line of the night: “I’m dropping out because I am in fact a Russian asset.” Kidding, she didn’t say that. Only in my dreams.
Kamala Harris: KAMALA IS TALKING ABOUT REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS! I’m here to eat crow. Thank you, Senator for finally making these debates worthwhile! And just like that another woman interrupts her to talk about jobs. Thank goodness this topic comes back up later. “It is her body, it is her right, it is her decision.” Also, thank you for saying “dude gotta go.”
Line of the night: “This is the sixth debate we have had in this presidential cycle and not nearly one word, with all of these discussions about health care, on women’s access to reproductive health care, which is under full on attack in America. It is not an exaggeration to say women will die — poor women, women of color will die.”
Amy Klobuchar: Amy ‘Pipe Dream’ Klobuchar is having a night calling everyone out. Props to her. She might’ve said Elizabeth Warren’s healthcare plan is a pipe dream, but I think she is talking about her candidacy and attacking Elizabeth Warren will make her relevant. (It won’t.) Her claws are out and she’s really trying to fight but she’s just scratching at shoelaces. Her little “fun” anecdotes aren’t landing tonight and I’m just tired of her.
Line of the night: “I would like to hear from President Trump about how coddling up to Vladimir Putin makes America great again. it doesn’t make America great again. It makes Russia great again.”
Beto O’Rourke: Cheap shot alert: calling Liz punitive on billionaires. Nice try but a wealth tax is not punitive. Don’t @ me. Between wanting to decriminalize opioids during an opioid crisis and a very poorly thought out buyback plan, he’s really slacking. Time to go an just be the hero in your state.
Line of the night: I’m drawing a blank. Nothing stuck out to me.
Bernie Sanders: Maybe this is my fault for cheering after the original “I wrote the damn bill” line but I think this line needs to be retired because it’s not cute anymore. Bernie didn’t get a lot of time tonight but he proved himself worthy of being on the debate stage tonight. But again, no one from last time. That is my rule for this election.
Line of the night: “I’m healthy and I’m feeling great but I wanna answer the last question.” (In reference to the moderator wanting to move on from the opioid crisis.
Tom Steyer: Full disclosure — I thought he dropped out. I also didn’t know he started the need to impeach stuff two years ago. This is wild and I’m learning so much. Tom, the only billionaire on stage says it’s critical to break up corporations and I’m here for it. I actually kind of appreciate this guy as he’s the only one on stage bringing up climate change. Miss you, *boo. (*Jay Inslee) Sadly, he’s only on the stage tonight because he’s a billionaire.
Line of the night: “We have to work with our allies and our frenemies around the world.” HE SAID FRENEMIES ON A DEBATE STAGE. I can’t.
Elizabeth Warren: Don’t interrupt Liz. She will call you out and take the time she needs to finish her thought. Like I tell my daughter, take up space. I’d also like a gif of every dirty look/funny face she’s made tonight.
Line of the night: “Democrats need to give voters a real reason to get in the fight.”
Andrew Yang: WHY IS HE WEARING A MATH LAPEL PIN AND WHY DO I LOVE IT? I’ve also decided that he is basically Tom Haverford. Sorry, again, I’ve been watching Parks and Recreation.
Line of the night: “Senator Warren is right.” I think that was the direct quote because sometimes I tune him out. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Winner: Honestly, probably no one. Elizabeth Warren did take on basically everyone because everyone wanted to attack her so I’m proud of her. But this debate was so boring because it was mostly rehashing the last few. See also: Andrew Yang dissing the search engine Bing won the night. Not him, just the diss.
Please drop out: Everyone not named Elizabeth Warren, Mayor Pete, Julián Castro, maybe Kamala Harris and CNN’s Ellen question at the end.
In Memoriam for this debate: Michael Bennet, Steve Bullock, Tim Ryan, Joe Sestak, John Delaney, Marianne ‘Voodoo Queen’ Williamson, and Wayne Messam. Maybe next time, or for Marianne, once she travels back to Earth.