According to my dashboard I haven’t published anything since August 8, 2019. I have some posts saved in my draft folder that I’ve started and scheduled and I’ve been busy working on a short story I would like to get published. I’ve had plenty of material to work with but I decided to take a mental health break instead.
I’ve spent that last month in a pretty dark place. I’m never sure what triggers this. Maybe it was the short story I worked on that I haven’t been able to go back to and rework the ending because well, there is no ending. This story is about a traumatic event in my life and to give it an ending feels weird as I still live with the pain. It could be the three birthdays in August for people that are not around to celebrate anymore. Or just stress in my work/life balance. But sometimes this manifests for no reason at all.
I’ve actually been mostly happy and doing things I enjoy when I can. I spent my weekend alone, doing whatever I wanted to do. I got to see friends, have a delicious brunch, spend two hours on FaceTime with my husband. I packed for the coming weekend and wrapped Billy’s anniversary gift since it happens to be two weeks away. I even got to sleep in. Yet today I woke up with a heaviness that I couldn’t shake. I wanted to cry and I had no idea why. I was hungry but had no appetite, bored but unmotivated. I stayed in my bed until my mom let me know she was on her way to drop something off.
The BPD traits started kicking in and I thought maybe I’ll feel better if I go buy myself something. I walked out of four different stores empty handed and settled on some dessert that is still in my fridge because I just don’t want it right now. I decided that today is just not my day and maybe tomorrow will be better, even if I have doubts. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel because I get to see my husband on Friday and maybe Chicago will heal me a little. But today my soul hurts. Today my depression made me cry in my bed even though I didn’t know why.
I think this all needs to be said though. I don’t know why I’m so sad today other than the fact that I live with depression and it can just consume you even when you are happy. It can keep you up until 3 am and remind you that you’re a little lonely when no one is home. It can extract all the joy you felt after seeing friends. Depression is a monster.
That said, check on your strong friends. They’re likely fighting something awful and won’t always reach out because depression and anxiety often tell them they are a burden to their loved ones. It’s okay to not feel okay sometimes but please reach out.
I’ll be back to writing more soon. <3