Wow, I Can Get Sappy Too

I’ve spent the last few weeks staying up way too late worrying about life and in that same vein, death. Plenty of things have prompted these thoughts lately so I can’t completely blame it on my recent Jason Isbell kick after following him on Twitter. Seriously, go listen to “If We Were Vampires” and try not to bawl your eyes out. Last year we suffered three losses that left giant holes in our hearts while dealing with other health scares, job changes, me moving, multiple weddings including our own and the day to day life of a long distance relationship. It was a lot to handle. More than the whole “God only gives you what you can handle” nonsense. I don’t think his plans for me included a stress induced ulcer for most of 2018.

I made it my mission to spend 2019 around the people I love because tomorrow is never guaranteed. A humbling lesson I really learned with my first real in-your-face brush with death since the passing of my sister. Sure, I dealt with it before but it was never my grandma, my husband’s best friend or my aunt that I was trying to reconnect with. So on I went, ambitiously scheduling lunches, coffee dates, out to grab a beer or random trips to Ikea to catch up while looking at cheap bathroom storage. I started making an effort to go to small parties and get-togethers or seeing concerts and just living my life the way it was intended.

Since then, more health scares have made themselves known. Last week I talked to a woman only a few years older than I am about her battle with breast cancer, a terrible thing that took someone I love last year. Something I curse at frequently. It scared me. I got a text around 3 AM from my husband about a dream he had about losing me that left him rattled for days. So he sent me a text hoping not to wake me to tell me he loves me. Oddly enough, I woke up minutes before so we could talk for a minute and be there for each other. I’ve realized that it is everywhere and there is only so much we can control. I can eat healthy and remain super cautious my entire life but be gone at any moment.

I’m trying my best to make every single moment count. It is incredibly hard when you’re married to someone that lives three hours away and you usually only see on the weekends. We went into our relationship knowing the situation but still decided it was worth it. I know I’m with my soulmate even if our current situation isn’t ideal. Yes, all I ever want is to come home to him and see his face every night and every morning but I deal with just texting him instead.

It is hard when you get home at 5:30 and you’re exhausted and sometimes trying to just get the kids to bed by 8. Those moments just slip away and you spent most of the evening exhausted but trying to make sure your kids know they are loved and important. We don’t always play outside or sit on the floor and play a game, but I try so hard to give them happy memories.

We take so many things for granted. Our kids, our relationships, friendships and most importantly, our time on this earth. Enjoy your husband snoring or your kids climbing all over you. Go out and get some pizza with your friends. Buy the cute shoes if they make you happy. See all the live music you can and sing along to all your favorite songs. We’re not here for long so live every single day to the fullest, even if you’re tired or having a bad day. Stop taking everything for granted and start living a happier life with the people you love. So for now I’m going to go check on my sleeping babies and look at some dreamy wedding pictures to wipe this gloomy mood away.