A lot of times my anxiety makes me feel like I’m running around with my hair on fire while the world suggests trying gasoline when putting out the flames. I am always tired, always thinking, and always worried about the unknown. What they don’t tell you about the unknown is that it can be absolutely anything. It can be picking something out and having your idea shot down or having your plane delayed even though you can easily jump on the train from the airport because no one is waiting on you back home.
But in the middle of all my chaos, my running around, my exhaustion and my constant panicked messages has been one person that can calm me down. If you know me at all, you know exactly who I’m about to say. Billy. Loving someone with anxiety might be one of the hardest things one will experience. I know that sometimes my venting can take a toll on him but he is still there, trying to make my troubles disappear.
I started a new job this year after several anxiety ridden months with my former employer, hoping a new job would find me and be a perfect fit. I found one in December after a few dead ends and I was so excited to start. My job is for the most part everything I want it to be. Tons of event planning and things I enjoy and excel in. I started about two and a half months prior to the annual conference so while I didn’t quite catch the tail end, I got in just in time to have a rundown of my responsibilities and trust because of my prior experience. Fine by me, this is my time to shine, right? A week before conference and I notice my mood has shifted and I have random little rashes — or I guess hives because of all the anxiety. Will I be fine and do my job while possibly learning new things? Most likely. Will I screw everything up and be fired during the conference? Doubtful. But does my brain assume the worst because that is how anxiety works? Yes! So Billy asked after my complaints of a headache and now rash what days I will likely be most anxious so he can make sure he can talk me down from my anxious thoughts and feelings and remind me that I know what I’m doing and was hired for a reason.
I don’t know how he does it. I know it can be hard to love me at times. My brain is always on and I stay up too late fearing the unknown. But the second I tell him something is wrong he jumps in and tries to fix it with anything from a pep talk, a back rub or by telling me to put my phone down and get some sleep because tomorrow is a new day and it will always be better. And at the end of a long or stressful week, he entertains my ridiculous behavior when I want a glass or three of wine and start singing “Wonderwall” to my dog.
He remains calm in stressful situations like the time our flight kept getting delayed trying to get home from DC. I was pacing, stress-eating and angry tweeting about how the DC airport sucks. He calmly sat in his seat, watching the planes take off around us and submitted his expense report. Or when my grandma was dying and again during her funeral when he let me turn back around because I forgot my medicine and then made sure I ate something so I didn’t pass out after taking a higher dose.
He gives me my much needed down time when he’s here by playing Barbies on the floor with Addy or basketball with Hayden while I shower, take a nap or just play a game on my phone. I swear, he is just this perfect angel of a husband.
I try to listen to him when he reassures me for the 86,563th time that I’m not a terrible mother, I’m not going to screw everything up and things will always get better. I don’t always believe him and sometimes snap or go on and on about how it won’t but he puts up with me. He knows that deep down it is just this awful illness that plagues my brain. He knows when he needs to walk away and let me be for a while but he still makes sure I know that I’m loved and safe.
I truly wish everyone that suffers with anxiety, high-functioning like mine or not, could have someone that really cares and does everything they can do make sure anxiety doesn’t consume you. If you know and love someone with anxiety, please just be there to always support them. We need to feel safe, secure, loved and valued. If you don’t have someone, I’ll be around to talk to you and we can combat anxiety together. It’ll be fun! I’ll bring the wine.
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