Since last weekend I’ve been a lot of things. Sick, stressed, snappy, sad to name a few. Last night was probably the worst. The kids just refused to listen to anything all evening and I grounded both of them and actually screamed a few times. I don’t like to scream at anyone, especially not my kids. But my patience was running low and the little one refused to just go to her room and wait for me to tuck her in after I finished what I was doing. She fought and screamed and drove me to the point of total frustration. We were all in the wrong. They know better and they had a fun weekend on the line. I knew better because losing my temper doesn’t solve a single thing and leaves me feeling guilty. I apologized to both of them this morning once they woke up and promised to not get that angry. But last night I thought about what got me to that point. It wasn’t just that the kids didn’t want to listen after several warnings, there was so much more to it.
Here is the rundown I had:
- I’ve been battling a horrible sinus infection since last Thursday.
- The dog managed to get in my cheddar popcorn and left the evidence on my bed.
- The State of the Union was on (and that’s all I need to say).
- Push notifications from Twitter with hot takes or watch live options from the above point.
- I had several unanswered texts that gave me anxiety.
- I had a to-do list sitting next to me that also gave me anxiety and sadly it didn’t include “play Kingdom Hearts 3” or anything fun.
- Oh, it’s coming up on a year since losing my grandma and I’m moody because it’s all I see on Facebook daily. Bingo.
So what do I do? How can I fix this? I started by deleting the app from my phone. I’m a mostly private griever and have been since a young age. Once I was more independent I would find ways to go out and “talk” to my sister away from others. I’m not going to post anything anywhere because I prefer the privacy. I can sit at her gravesite for hours alone and not tell a soul. This thing with my grandma, this is new. It’s new for the people who haven’t lost a parent like most of my aunts and uncles. I’ve lost my grandparents on my dad’s side but we were never close so losing Mamaw was new and painful. We were close.
I realize this might come off as me saying to not publicly grieve. It’s not. I choose to sometimes write it out and do things on my own time. Will I go to the cemetery tomorrow? No. I can go at anytime I need to. I don’t have to make it on the day she died for her to know that I still think about her. Will I probably be moody, ignore and silence my phone, keep my head down and stay away from social media for the rest of this week? Yes. But will I also remember the fun memories? Or even the bittersweet? Yes. One year ago today I said my last goodbye to Mamaw. She was in her room and I was in there with her. Justin and Scott joined me and we just made saying goodbye fun. We made jokes, confessed to all the things we did as kids and politely asked her to either go before midnight or wait another day since Justin’s birthday was the next day. She didn’t listen to that last part. She decided to hang in there for two February birthdays and thankfully her funeral was the day before my husband’s birthday. Sorry, Justin. He has since canceled his birthday.
I’m going to again choose to celebrate her life in private. Though she probably would’ve enjoyed the daily posts because Facebook was very much her thing.
After Facebook I decided to audit more things on my phone. I deleted pictures, other apps, unfollowed about 110 people from Twitter, turned off a ton of notifications, cleaned out my text threads and have left things on “Do Not Disturb” so I will see texts and notifications when I want to see them. I swear doing all this has cleared my acne and helped me sleep. I felt better after going through everything that was weighing me down. Will I redownload the app later? Maybe, but doubtful. I like the feeling of not checking in. Not seeing all the pictures or reading every status update this week and beyond. Grieve in your own way or don’t grieve at all. We’re all wired differently and that’s a good thing.
I might be away for a while but please continue to send me any clapping Nancy Pelosi memes that I might miss in my social media break.