I’m no stranger to not feeling pretty. I got my eyebrows done and a deep conditioning treatment to my scalp that left my curls bouncy and cute. I got home to put on makeup and tried for probably 20 minutes to capture a picture. They were all awful. Not one seemed to capture how I felt. So I ended up wiping off my makeup and deleting all the pictures. This seems to happen a lot.
I spent a long time deciding on wedding hair and makeup, and a long time getting ready that morning. I browsed for a pretty belt to wear with my dress because the cut was a little awkward and I still have that mom pooch. I felt like I looked pregnant in my dress every time I tried it on. Yes, I had gained about 15 lbs since buying the dress, but I should still feel beautiful. I didn’t. I bought two pairs of spanx. One to keep my stomach in check and the other to give me some curves. I’m stick straight skinny but if I’m ever bloated I look like I’m expecting.
I remember one of the first things I told Paul (our wedding photographer). “No up-close face shots. I hate my nose and mouth.” He looked at me like I was crazy and thankfully ignored that request. I spent a lot of that day worried about how I looked in pictures. Nearly everyone there gushed about how I looked so beautiful but I still tugged at my dress, worried about my smile, my nose, my lipstick. Hoping I wouldn’t look gross in any shot.
We got all of our photos back about a month later. A lot of shots were from a distance so I was relieved. Then I saw this:
My initial thought was “Oh my gosh, look at my chins. Is my posture that bad? There is a giant zit on my neck and my nose looks big. Those forehead lines. I don’t want this one.” So I skipped over it when I made a list for final edits. It was somehow added, possibly by Billy and made it to our final edited photos. Someone apparently thought it was a pretty picture. So I looked at it closely.
Now what do I think of it? Wow. My hair is flowing and gorgeous. That color my aunt put on me is stunning and my friend Tracey did a great job on my hair. For having two kids, my stomach doesn’t look all the bad. My arm is awesome and my artist did a great job. That dress makes my skin tone look great. No wonder I fell in love with it. And my chins? It’s fine. Because I’ve gained weight and I’m healthier now. I’m happy. I look fine. I have flaws for sure, but at the end of the day my husband told me how beautiful I am and my daughter thought I looked like a queen. I have to set that in her head too so she never feels this way.
I might not be confident all the time, in fact, most days I’m not. I can be beautiful in other ways. I’d prefer to have a beautiful heart and maybe not always look great on the outside. I choose to no longer look back on the girls that were so cruel in grade school and high school. Yes, I’m skinny. No, I’m not anorexic. I might not have the backside that some guys prefer, but I’m also not looking to impress someone that cares about appearance that much. I’m me and that’s fine. I’m loved by someone that thinks I’d still be pretty in a potato sack (or a Cubs shirt, honestly, not sure which is worse for him).
If you want to lose weight, that’s cool. If you wish you had a little more curves, a bigger butt or chest, that’s cool too. Wear all the makeup? Cool. Don’t want to wear any? That’s cool too. But don’t forget to love yourself and embrace your flaws. They are a part of who you are. (Shoutout to Poppy for this giant Bauerle nose!) And please, be kind to others. It hurts to be bullied for the way you look. Be a better example because kids are watching and listening. We shouldn’t pass that hate on to another generation. So post all the selfies you want because I’m always going to comment that you’re beautiful.
<3