Perhaps we start young girls off on the wrong ideas. She’s a princess. She’s dainty. She needs to be protected at all costs. Women are portrayed as weak. Some men see them as prey. We take advantage of the weak in many ways. But the hot topic right now is sexual assault. #WhyIDidn’tReport. #MeToo.
I shared my first experience with sexual assault previously. I was seven years old. Younger than my son is now by a boy that is my son’s age now. I think about that trauma a lot. I worry about how I’ve raised my son and hope he would never do that. Thankfully he still views kissing as disgusting, but maybe that boy on the playground did too. Maybe that boy just saw something on TV. I think about my daughter as she starts to realize that boys exist and might be cute. What could be going on in her innocent little mind? What has she seen when I’m not around? What if she experiences something so awful at a young age or ever? I hope my kids never have to deal with anything like that. I hope no one else ever has to.
But why didn’t I report that? Because I was seven and ashamed of what just happened. I cried in the bathroom and avoided him. I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble because he told me he’d lose his TV privileges. That’s a big deal to kids.
But I remember it continuing well into my teen years and still to this day. I remember catcalls walking home from school. I remember a guy a class ahead of me offering to walk me home since he was two blocks away. The first day I allowed it he tried to force himself on me because I “owed” him a favor. I still can’t chew big red gum because all I remember is that smell as he tried to force his tongue down my throat. Do you know when I finally told someone about that? About two months ago when a friend brought up his name because we passed by his street.
Why didn’t I report it? Because what 7th grader wants to be deemed a whore for something she didn’t do? No one believes the victim. Everyone believes the 8th-grade guy that lied and said you went down on him. Even though you shoved him away from you and he tried to get violent. Even though you ran away so quickly and locked your back door behind you, heart beating rapidly out of fear, tears running down your face because you know what just happened was wrong.
Why didn’t I report the unwanted advances at a bar? What made some guy think that because I’ve had some vodka cranberries that I was down for whatever?
Why didn’t I report my abusive ex that thought he could do whatever he wanted to me? Because he was an upstanding citizen.
Why do all these victims decide to only report it when it can harm someone’s career? Ruin a vote? I don’t know. Maybe we don’t want our rapist to sit on the Supreme Court or the Oval Office. Maybe we don’t want our rapist making decisions on our behalf. Maybe we’re a whole lot stronger than you think?
I don’t think the question shouldn’t be why I didn’t report my assault. I think it should be WHY DON’T YOU JUST BELIEVE THE VICTIM? This is painful. Do you think I want to relive all the times a person has hurt me? Do you think I want to relive all the stories that someone hurt someone else? I don’t enjoy reading the tweets. I feel all the pain from every single victim. Yes, I realize there are false accusations, but that’s pretty rare.
There is a real movement going on right now and you need to shut up and listen. Believe these victims. Not because you have a daughter. Not because you have a wife. But because you are human and you have empathy.
Listen to women. Listen to victims. No more double standards. A priest molests a boy and it’s a shame. It’s tragic. A woman finally comes out and says that someone who might have a lot of power soon sexually assaulted her? WHY DIDN’T SHE GO TO THE POLICE THEN? Why is she coming out days before we vote on him? Why did these 16 women choose to say something during a Presidental run? Why didn’t they report it then? They’re just attention seekers. Why can’t it all be tragic and wrong? Why can’t anyone be held accountable for the terrible thing they did when they were 17? Let me remind you that Brock Turner was released early with minimum time spent because the judge didn’t want his life to be ruined. While his dad wanted you to know that he didn’t even enjoy raping his victim because he was caught. What about the life of his victim? Do you think she wants to see her rapist walking around free?
We are now forced to relive the trauma. It’s hard to accept that this happened to us. But you know what? This doesn’t make us weak. We are not liars or attention seekers. We’ve endured far more bull shit in our lives and people are constantly trying to put us down for bringing light to how we’ve been wronged.
I’ll leave victims with this: Be strong. Be dainty. Be a princess. Wear that short skirt and go drinking with your friends. But never let anyone blame you for doing what you want. None of that means you deserve to be raped or had it coming. Bring that person down. Or don’t. But it’s not your fault no matter what.