Today as I was deciding what to have for lunch I couldn’t help but to mentally list all the things I recently quit eating. I thought about how much I wanted fries because they will always be my comfort food. I had a similar thought last night as I was driving home. “Man, I could really go for a root beer float right now.” But my goal in August was to cut out soda, fried food, gluten intake (I could live off bread and pasta), and sweets. At little creamer in my coffee is fine, but no cookies/cake/ice cream/fun stuff.
“But why, Chrystal? You’re skinny enough.” But when I look in the mirror, I see a woman that has had two children via c-section that can’t lose her stubborn belly fat. I see a gut under form fitting shirts and dresses that won’t go away, no matter what I do. I don’t see the skinny girl that others see. I only see the frumpy mom that is terrified of looking pregnant in her form fitting wedding dress next month. So now I’m cutting out all the fun food, drinking some awful tea/water/lemon/cranberry juice concoction, and forcing myself to do some sort of exercise before bed.
My ultimate goal is to be healthier. I want to be around to pester Billy, see some grand kids and live a long and happy life. But for some women, weight loss and fixing our bodies can turn into something awful. We often see something ugly in the mirror that we insist on fixing. It’s always been my big nose and crooked teeth. I’ve learned to smile with my mouth close and chin pointed down because you can’t see my teeth and my nose looks smaller. Any shot of my entire body usually makes me cringe because the only place I gain weight is in my stomach. I have some severe hatred of certain areas, like my lack of hips, my smile, my nose, my chicken legs and my stomach. I don’t accept compliments often.
This dates back to high school, when I stopped eating. I hated myself. I wanted to stay skinny forever and didn’t care for the shift and weight gain. I was depressed and would only eat fries and sprees at lunch. Nothing for breakfast and maybe just some toast for dinner. I got skinny shamed on a daily basis and that hurt like hell. But I was doing it to myself.
Looking back, I realize how unhealthy it was, but I did that for nearly 6 years. This caused many health problems and years of therapy to follow.
I recovered, sort of. Though there are some days, when my depression rears its ugly head that I just don’t want to eat anything. I feel disgusting in my own skin. I still eat junk sometimes. My rule was if I cried that day I could eat ice cream for dinner. I still have a distorted image of my body. I still worry about how I’ll look in wedding pictures. That’s seriously the only wedding thing that stresses me out. Looking fine in that dress.
But it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter. Billy sees my extra fluff all the time and that doesn’t change his feelings about me. He still tells me I’m pretty.
I’m trying to teach myself that a little fluff is fine. I need to love my body. At the end of the day, it only matters that I’m healthy. You can’t allow the thoughts in your head to say so many negative things. Don’t look to magazines or famous people to base your weight. Just be healthy and love yourself.
“We get so worried about being pretty. Let’s be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong.”