“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” — Steve Maraboli
I realized today that I’ve been holding so much trauma and sadness in. The last six months of my life have been a roller coaster of emotions on top of a packed schedule and no sign of slowing down. I started preparing for my grandma’s decline in health, knowing that I would have to say goodbye sooner than anticipated. While all of this was happening, there were big changes happening at work, holidays, dress fittings, Addison’s birthday, basketball, baseball, talking to children about death, a bachelorette party in Vegas, diagnoses being made for people I love, my own wedding planning, house hunting and moving, and my grandma passing away. I do this all, every day while raising two children, trying to co-parent, and still making time for my love life, friendships, dog, and sanity. It is exhausting.
I’ve spent my life being strong. My sister died when I was four and I had to stay strong. Going forth, my childhood was spent trying to grow up and be strong for the people that needed me. I stopped taking care of myself while I was still in elementary school. My depression was an issue, but at least I was there to help others. It’s only ever been about everyone else. Making everyone happy and not discussing my issues. I did that in therapy, sort of, when I felt like I should open a little. But I spent endless hours wasting time on a couch, only touching the surface and blaming my crazy teenage hormones.
I suffered from post-partum depression but never did anything about it. I had to focus on the babies that needed me. I didn’t want to be a burden so I quietly cried in the rocking chair as I fed them at night. I spent the next few years silencing my thoughts because no one needed a sad mom. My kids deserved better. The one time I spoke up about my sadness was the tipping point in my marriage. It was ignored. I no longer felt like I could hold it together, but I had to. It ended about a year later.
I moved on eventually and had what felt like the world against me. I went dark. I pushed so many people away and kept to myself. I held onto so much anger and resentment. I got angry and sad for the most ridiculous reasons. Why Billy stayed by my side was beyond me. But he opened my eyes to what I could be. What I was capable of. I grew to be more confident. I got smarter. I chose to use my poor writing skills to release the tension and sadness that was lingering. It worked. Until it didn’t.
We got engaged in May of last year and I was on top of the world for a change. No date set, but that was fine. I was doing great at work, being a great mom, staying busy, finally getting into a rhythm that I so desperately needed. I felt like I was in charge of my life and everything was falling into place. I spent the summer months in bliss and that carried on into the fall. Then the hits started coming and my once calm and easy-going outlook was ruined.
I lived in a constant fear of the unknown and it made every day miserable. There were happy moments, of course. My cousin getting married is certainly one of them and I’ve been so excited to be along for the ride as a bridesmaid. Vegas was a nice getaway even though I went into it freaking out about how I can be away for a few days. But I’ve spent a lot of time worrying, needing a higher dosage of anti-depressants, and occasionally crying in my shower. Okay, often crying in my shower.
I reached my point today as it got to 11 am and I was ready to start crying at my desk. Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was just frustrated. All I know is that it was not healthy. I went to Starbucks, bought a protein box and a tea, and forced myself to sit outside and just breathe.
I can’t continue to let this trauma sit inside of me anymore. I’m tired. I’m grumpy. Life has been taking jabs at me all year and I’ve allowed it to happen to me. I have to stand up for myself again and be the strong girl I was a year ago. I’ve endured too much to not be a warrior.
This should be the happiest time of my life. I’m getting married and gaining new friends and family from Billy that I love so much. My children are so smart and wonderful and I’m so lucky that I get to be their mom. They make me proud (and crazy) and I love them so much. My cousin is getting married. My brother is getting married. I have a job and great friends from that job. I have wonderful friends outside of work too. I shouldn’t live my life in this sad haze. That’s not living at all. I refuse to not live. I refuse to not stand up for myself, my happiness, my life. It’s time to be selfish and chase my dreams for the first time in a long time. I am courageous, I am strong, I am here to kick ass and be a happy mom, wife, friend, coworker, daughter, team mom, bridesmaid, or whatever hat I’m wearing on any day.
I’m reclaiming my happiness and my dreams, so either stand beside me or get the hell out of my way.