Depression is sneaky.
I’ve lived with it for 26 years now and I thought I knew how to manage it a little bit, but I don’t. It comes and goes on its own terms. One day I can feel like I’m on top of the world, the next day I can’t leave my bed. It can be months of what feels like freedom when suddenly, it came back and I find myself crying just to cry. I’ve spent most of my life seeing a therapist, trying out different antidepressants, yoga, and meditation. It works until it doesn’t.
The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. But why? My bills are paid. My kids are happy and healthy. My relationship is amazing and I have the most stunning ring on my finger. I just turned 30 and had a wonderful birthday. I have a good job and I work with people I love. I have the best friends. I’m happy and living my best life. So why is my brain acting this way?
I find myself forgetting to water my plants. My apartment often looks like a tornado touched down. Am I drinking enough water? Should I work out more? Is summertime sadness a real thing or just a catchy song by Lana Del Ray? My always organized life, apartment, and desk are cluttered. I find myself staying up late because I just can’t fall asleep. Naturally, I start to oversleep and give myself enough time to make sure I’m dressed and brushed my teeth.
I wonder if I’m giving my kids enough. I wonder if Hayden’s party is going to be great because I haven’t had any time to plan it. I’m always busy. I come home and feel like I don’t have any time to do anything for anyone. I’m just tired and sore. I want to sit in my bed and read a book or just veg out until we’re all asleep. But I can’t because I’m mom. The chronic pain and overwhelming sense of sadness must wait until the end of the day when everyone else is sleeping.
I wonder if it’s news fatigue. I worry about the future. I worry about people fighting for their rights and if I’m doing enough. Is it Facebook? Is it the constant article sharing and bickering? Or the fact that I just don’t care about your new car, house, baby, engagement, etc. Except for your dog. I will always care about your new dog. Please continue to only post about dogs. I say this knowing I post about my kids and I changed my relationship status to engaged recently. I battle between not caring about what anyone else says to caring too much about what my family says. It’s hell.
There are days where I leave work at lunch and just walk around aimlessly for an hour. No one around, phone in the car, no emails, texts, just nothing but fresh air. But I’m also alone with my thoughts. I think about how many emails or voicemails I will have when I return. I think about how much I want to spend my Saturday in bed, tuning out Netflix.I remind myself that I haven’t been to my sister’s grave site in a year. I think about how I probably let everyone down sometimes. So I cry, at the park, or in my car. Because that is exactly what depression wants you to do.
So I distract myself. I plan Hayden’s party. I plan a wedding that is two years out by making lists of must have songs or how to include dogs in fun outdoor games. I search for new yoga poses to try. I do anything I can to not focus on the darkness that sits on my aching soul. Because I’ve got it good right now and I feel like it’s still improving daily. I put on a brave face every morning even though I just want to stay in bed and cry for a while.
Why? Because I’m resilient. I have to. I choose to kick depression in the ass every day, even when it’s not weighing so heavy on my shoulders. I am brave, I am enough. I won’t let this awful disease win.