I typed that title knowing this will cause a stir. I’m writing this, not to air dirty laundry but to let go of some of the pressure that sits heavy on my mind.
I’ve picked writing back up after many years of being uninspired, tired, busy, and most of all depressed. I mentioned how much I loved writing, how it was therapeutic. I flirted with the idea of starting a blog, and I did. It’s hidden for now because my thoughts are often incredibly personal. I’ve been through hell and back in the last 3 years. My marriage was crumbling, my life was changing, my heart was hurting. I chose to hold those thoughts in instead of reaching out. Any time I did reach out I felt stupid. So I kept many things from my family and friends, most of it dealt with the state of my marriage and my post-partum depression.
I refuse to speak ill of my now ex-husband. He is the father of my kids and will always be in my life so I choose to be a good co-parent with him and not run his name through the mud. Our marriage did not work. At the end, there were far too many things that we could not get over and brought us to where we are today. It was hard, we were mutually at fault. There were plenty of unfair rumors from people that truly had no idea what happened and attacks on me because I seemed to quickly move on with my life. I took it all with grace, no matter how painful it was to hear. It still is, just to be clear. I’ve learned that no one will ever be perfect and you shouldn’t judge someone because they sin differently than you. Stones and glass houses, people.
Many people judged me for dragging my kids through this and breaking up my family. But I read somewhere that divorce is not such a tragedy, but a tragedy is staying in a very unhappy marriage and teaching your children the wrong things about love and marriage. I would rather them see both parents happy and thriving, even if that means they aren’t together. They will understand one day. They will see their mother smiling again. They will see their mother love herself again. I want them to see that it’s acceptable to walk away from something that just won’t work, no matter how hard you tried and how hard the decision was. Did I see myself getting this divorce 6 years ago? No. And don’t try to invalidate my feelings. You should never criticize someone for trying and failing. You can’t force someone to stay somewhere they can’t shine.
This all made me realize who had my back, though. I received so much hate and heard so many untrue things about myself. It hurt like hell. But I picked myself back up and made the most out of myself. I realized my strength and overcame. I’m strong. I’m resilient. I’m doing the best I can do for my children and myself. They matter the most and I don’t think many people actually considered that as everything was happening.
I moved on with my life. Some say far too quickly, but I believe it was the time when I really needed something good to happen. I’ve been growing into a better person. Therapy made me realize my role as a mother, a friend, and a partner. I’m proud of who I am. Many people still disagree with my choices. Many people still won’t give my boyfriend a chance because I allowed myself to fall in love with someone else too “quickly” per their standards. But to hell with that opinion. I refuse to lose sleep over it anymore. I am the happiest I have ever been in a relationship with anyone. It’s obvious to everyone who sees me. I went from a broken girl to a strong woman because I realized my worth. I met someone who seems to think I’m beautiful when I feel like I’m not. I have someone who inspires me to do great things. Like writing, showing my talents and working harder. He loves me and my children and cherishes the time he gets to spend with us. He will never replace their father and he knows that. He isn’t trying to. He is here to love the three of us, hopefully until we’re all long gone from this earth. He isn’t the bad guy that broke up my marriage. That was over long before he made his way into my life. I hope one day everyone will understand that and consider the happiness of all four of us. I made a good choice with him.
There is something about Billy that I’ve never had before. There is this fire that refuses to go out. He has been there for me even when I gave him chances to run. He just embraces me and tells me he isn’t going anywhere. He is truly the most amazing man and I’m so lucky that he chooses me every single day. It’s unreal to me. Unreal that this kind of love still exists. I was so guarded leading up to him and he managed to break down every single barrier and let so much sunshine in. I didn’t even realize it. He is patient, kind and cares for me the way I needed it the most. Even if he just texts me at 10 pm to make sure I had dinner and remind me to get to bed on time. He makes me feel like that princess in every good fairy tale. I hope you can all see the happiness that is constantly radiating through me now. If not, I’m sorry. But it’s there and it’s not going away. I’m happy, healthy and inspired. My kids are happy and healthy (minus the flu Hayden is recovering from) and truly adore all the people in their lives. The new people and the old.
So can we all go back to being happy again? Be happy knowing that these kids are taken care of and loved by so many people. Be happy because I am truly happy and becoming stronger every single day. Be happy and accepting of our lives instead of making me feel like a terrible human because of something beyond control. Because most only saw the tip of the iceberg. I say peace and love on here enough. Can we all really practice it now? Forgive and move on.