It’s no secret. I’m the “Star Wars girl” to many. I get tagged in everything Star Wars related. I’ve seen many of the movies at midnight. I have the imperial crest tattooed on my hip and an incomplete half sleeve dedicated to Star Wars. I’m a fan girl. I’ve always liked the bad guys, Boba Fett and Darth Vader. But there will always be the part of me that looked up to Princess Leia. She was the coolest character in the movie. She was tough and able to save herself and others. She was what every girl needed and wanted to be. I appreciated her and didn’t feel so alone being a girl that likes “nerdy” things. But my love for Carrie Fisher only started there. It was much deeper than just a movie.
Carrie was never shy about anything. She was a mental health warrior for me. She opened up about her struggles, her demons, addictions. She was bi-polar, I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety and depression. She was not afraid to tell the world to F off when they called her fat or accused her of not aging well. She fought back and said she was on medication to keep her alive, so who cares that a 60 year old woman wasn’t “aging well.” Have you seen Mark Hamill lately? He doesn’t look so hot.
Carrie taught me to be my brash, honest, unapologetic self. She gave me something to believe in. After reading her books, I took to writing more about mental illness. I was no longer embarrassed to admit that I’ve struggled with depression. A lot. Still to this day even. But she taught me to be as open and honest as I could be about it, with a little dry humor tossed in for good measure.
She may not be considered the perfect role model, but who am I to consider what society thinks. She was still mine. She had flaws and was never afraid to show them. She was funny, smart and beautiful. She was what I needed.
I had the honor of meeting her about two years ago. Carrie was in Indianapolis for our version of comic con. I waited in line for what seemed like forever, going over what to say to her. She is my hero, my nerd matron. She meant the world to me. I finally got to the front of the line and peered over the curtain. There she was, in all of her glory. I was shaking as I walked up to her. “I love the dress, R2.” All I could say was “and I love you.” She squeezed my waist and whispered “I know.” I couldn’t say anything else. I was stunned. I thanked her for being herself and gave her one last hug before petting her dog (Gary) and walking away. I never really stopped shaking or freaking out that day. It’s not often you get to meet your hero and I was so honored to meet mine.
Thank you, Carrie. For being my hero. For being an incredible actress, script doctor, heroine, advocate for mental health, writer, funny lady, mother and daughter, and my favorite princess. You will be forever missed by me. Thank you to everyone for the kind words, and my kiddos and Billy for comforting me and letting me cry for a while. I thought Alan Rickman and David Bowie would be the end all for me. I wasn’t expecting my heart to be so broken over a celebrity. But Carrie was so much more. May the force be with her. 💜
