It’s been almost a month since I’ve been out of my house. This is the first time that I’ve ever lived on my own. Well, I have two roommates, but they are under 5 and don’t pay rent. I go home every night with the kids. I do everything alone. No one to help carry groceries, no one to sit inside so I can take the trash to the other side of the apartment complex, no one to help me with anything.
I have so much respect for single mothers now. (Not that I didn’t before, but even more now.) It’s TOUGH. There aren’t many breaks, long hours, stress and so much exhaustion. I feel awful every time I complain to my significant other or any of my friends. Once the kids go to their dad’s I feel like I should go do something. Interact with other adults, spend quality time with my significant other. What I usually do? Cry. Finish all the things I didn’t have time to do that week like take out the trash. Drive all the way up to see my significant other and fall asleep almost immediately upon arrival. I knew it would be hard but I was not prepared for how draining it would really be. There is so much wear and tear, hurt feelings when they talk about their dad. Just so many emotions.
Lately I’ve had to deal with the idea that another female lives in my house now. She interacts with my kids, plays with my dog, sleeps in my old bed. Probably criticizes my color schemes, and is now taking over my old phone plan/number. She moved in two weeks after I left. TWO. (That’s also about how long they were dating when she asked.) Meanwhile I’m slowing integrating my relationship with other aspects of my life. Still not completely on board with my children meeting him, even though we have a very serious, very committed, quite healthy relationship. He values my choices and knows that when the kids are around, he’s not. At least not yet. We have both recently met each other’s parents. We are in no way rushing anything, only doing what feels right at the time. You know, how every good relationship should be.
I know my children didn’t choose this life. I certainly didn’t go into a marriage thinking that 5 years later we would be divorced and hardly civil. But here I am, alone, raising these two sweet kids in a tiny apartment. It sucks when things don’t work. But at the same time, sometimes failure opens the door for something wonderful. Something you want and need. I found that and more. I found my independence. I found some confidence in myself. I found happiness in knowing that I would no longer be isolated, insulted, ignored, emotionally abused and lonely in my marriage. I found love when I least expected it from someone that I never dreamed I would even have a chance with.
I’ll end this by saying that divorce sucks. But what comes after you leave? Happiness that you never even thought would be possible ever again.