Today I questioned everything.
My day started around 6:30 to several hateful texts about when I’m moving out of my house. The messages continued throughout the day and finally ended a little bit ago. I remained level-headed and seemed calm through my texts. I was crying and breaking down in reality.
Divorce is hard. It’s extremely hard with kids. And even harder when agreements just can’t be made. It’s been a hard year, and I’ve never been more relieved to see that it’s almost over. I spent a lot of this year being upset. I’m tired of letting someone so careless try to control me.
Once a week I feel like packing the babies up and leaving this place behind. I want to raise them to be intelligent, kind, respectful people. I want to show them the world. And I can’t do that when I’m stuck here, completely miserable, and missing out on my dream life.
Today was draining in other areas as well. Something about Monday. That day carries a stigma. And it was exactly that kind of day.
On my way home I saw a terrible wreck. One person didn’t make it. I thought about how awful death is. Always taking away the people you love, never showing any mercy. Just pain. I thought about everyone I loved in that moment. People I’ve loved for years, my children, that I love unconditionally. The new love I have. Everyone. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I felt every crazy emotion I could driving by that car and cried the rest of the way home.
Then this came on. I had a moment of calm. I thought back to how I had a wonderful weekend with someone I truly love. It brought some peace to my crazy day. It’s the little things. I’ve found my peace again. I have a sweet little girl curled up next to me. I have everything I need right now. I have many people to love. I need to stop focusing on the bad and start seeing the bigger picture. I’m doing just fine, and one day someone else will notice.
In the mean time, I’ll remind myself that it’s okay to break down. Sometimes beautiful things come from the darkest times in someone’s life.
