Some people view me as a stone cold bitch. And you know, sometimes they are right. I’m not afraid to speak my mind. But at the same time, I’m fragile.
I constantly worry about what someone will think of me. I worry that I text people more often than I should. I worry about what’s being said behind my back. I worry about my looks, my hair, what people could be judging. I don’t smile often because my teeth are crooked and I don’t want people making comments about my ugly smile. It’s hard to let go of that, especially when someone tells you on a regular basis that you are pretty.
The divorce made me even more fragile. Will people think I’m jumping into new things too soon? Will my family ever be truly okay with this? Will my kids hate me later in life? What happens if I re-marry? I just sit and question everything I do, and over-analyze my future.
I wish there was a switch for anxiety. I feel like I’m never in control of anything. It’s a tireless battle. Just once I want to think “Oh, he loves me. Things will be fine.” Or even “I feel support from a few people, everything will be okay.” Instead I anticipate the worst. So I’m setting a goal to try my hardest to not think about these things.
